Monday, 19 September 2011

Back and Forward

Looking back
Looking forward
Looking here
Looking there

Feeling back
Feeling forward
Feeling here
Feeling there

How do we know if we are looking and feeling back, or if we are looking and feeling forward?
How do we tell apart those times when we look forward from skewed memories?

I found myself today in a shop in Tobermory looking at awe at a very colourful and stripey rug. Two of my favourite colours matched beautifully. The blue stood out as I found myself saying 'that's the colour my bedroom used to be' and then just a minute later saying 'that will match the colour I want my room to be' ... so although I don't officially have anywhere to live come January yet, here I found myself buying a rug for that place I will live. The first item I have bought intentionally for my flat.

Memories are mixed with looking forward.

I found myself today online looking at past blog posts of people close to me, wishing I could ask questions about them and knowing I can't. How many times in our lives do we want to experience things we know we can't?

As my time to leave Iona seems to be ever closer, with only 6 weeks of season guests left, I find myself trying to experience things - maybe for the first time, maybe just again. I know I will be back, but never at this time with these people. So often this place is only made what it is because of the people it has in it. And when the people change, the place changes. More than anywhere else I know. And that's what makes it so special, so unique. And those people mean the world to you. How do you carry those memories forward in to a different life, away from here, away from them, away from what you know? And more importantly, how do you carry those people forward, as you venture on to new things, and still keep that connection and relationship that you have here? Do you? Maybe there is no way to know without trying...

So, the memories need to stay strong, yet the 'forwards' needs to begin...

Looking and feeling back... looking and feeling forwards... they are linked all of the time. If they weren't linked, we wouldn't have a life story to tell...

Monday, 12 September 2011


Outside is calling.
The rain is falling.
The wind is blowing.
The birds are flying.
This girl is aching
To fly.

In 3 days time I will turn 22. In less than 16 weeks time I will be sailing on a one way ticket on the CalMac ferry away from Iona.

Outside is calling.

Each day I get asked:

How does it feel? Exciting.

How does it feel? Scary.

How does it feel? A bit 'big' and 'real'.

How does it feel? Like I'm leaving my home.

How does it feel? Like I'm returning home.

How does it feel? Uncertain.

Each day the answer will change. Maybe even each hour. There is no one answer.

Yes I am unsure and concerned and feel like I'm leaving my entire life behind. But I am excited, eager and ready to be in the 'world' again.

I've learnt a lot, I've lived a lot, I've become a lot. I want to use those things elsewhere. Where? Doing what? With who? Well, I don't know! But that will be ok. Whatever it is, that'll be ok.

There will be tears and laughter. There will be joys and sorrows. There will be loss and gain. There will be heartache and mending.

It won't be an easy adjustment and it won't be one that I make overnight; it will take quite some time for it to feel 'normal'. But I want that to happen, I need that to happen. I need to adjust and evaluate and learn and seek and find and lose and break and mend and get lost and find my feet.

How else can you live life?