I have decided today that everything runs on inspiration. What is inspiration? Well, I don't think it's a word that I could ever fully understand, but I know it changes a lot about my life. At least twice a day this week I have found myself using the words 'inspired', 'inspiration', 'inspirational'. Why? Well, because there are a lot of changes in my life and each one if spurred on by another, or so it feels.
"Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long and I'm too tired to sleep"
The Wailin Jennys album and I have become good friends in the last few weeks. Sadly I only own one, and so this will soon have to change. But I have found that a lot of their lyrics just make sense. Life beyond Iona is a funny thing, one I won't understand for a long time. It's exhausting. That's the main thing I've noticed. I knew that I was very tired on Iona, after two years of physical work and mental stress. But I never quite expected to be this exhausted trying to 'recover'. I also knew that it would be difficult to adjust to live outside of community, not being surrounded by people all of the time, not eating with everyone. But, again, I never quite expected it to be this exhausting. I find myself exhausting myself trying to meet up with people because it feels very lonely out here in the real world sometimes, and although that isn't a bad thing, it just takes some time to get used to. My patience runs low, my energy goes away quickly, my enthusiam disappears half way through a task, my ability to write job applications gets smaller, my likelihood of doing the things on my to-do list shrinks, the washing piles up, my emotions can be slightly tapped and they explode... Who warned me of this?! Oh yeah, everyone who has left Iona before me that I know! But, really, did I ever trully believe them? I thought I did. But now I know that I didn't. My, oh my. However, alongside all of this, I feel fine overall and am enjoying being back in Edinburgh!
Anyway, this rant was not what was meant to happen on this blog - it's about inspiration! But, then again, a lot of the above rant is related to inspiration in some ways. The things in life that have kept me going lately have been inspirational... nature, music, friends, lights, singing, bass vibrations, lyrics, sunshine, country driving, re-discovering, guitar, old friendships, excercise, memories, painting, conversations, gardening, diy, cake, concerts, fire, trees, skype chats, motorway driving, graveyards, photography, emails, reading, meals out, feeling alive... etc, etc. What in life is not inspirational? I have no idea. The main thing for me has been music. But to save me writing a bit of an explanation, just look here: http://www.blipfoto.com/entry/1728962 The most amazing, musical related, inspirational moments for me have been at concerts when the music just fits so well that you get a shiver up your spine. I didn't understand that feeling for a long time, but I am so glad that I do now. I think live (especially folk music) will do that for me forever, but lately it has meant more to me than anything. Good ol' Celtic Connections has given me that in the last few weeks, and for that I am very thankful. Thoughts that were previously muddled suddenly made sense.
And the sun, the stars, the trees, the ice, the bogs, the cows, the leaves... nature. I have taken so many pictures lately of nature, nature in many forms. It's everywhere and never looks the same twice. Every time I walk my local walk I see something different, and I love that. Every time I walk my local walk I feel something different, and I love that. Every time I walk my local walk something else in my life suddenly makes more sense or I start to process some other part of life that needs processed.
And now that it is 1.05am and I started with a quite about being too tired to sleep and then a wee rant about being exhausted... I think it is time to stop typing nonsense and go to bed.
World: thank you for being an inspiration.
Friends: thank you for all that you are.